Everything is amazing and nobody is happy.
Last night I went and saw Matthew Good at the Sagebrush theatre. He was totally amazing obviously, I love the sound of his voice. I’ve been listening to his music since I was young and I always thought it’s dark moodiness was something that really moved me.
I think the other thing I love about him is how cynical he is.. maybe that’s not an awesome trait but I think that I’m cynical too. I view the world in a bleak or “realistic” (as I like to think) way. I may think the future is dark and depressing, but honestly isn’t the world heading that way? You can’t tell me it’s all rainbows and sunshine around the world right now..between several natural disasters and war - we as a race are struggling. I sort of think if mother nature (god?) came down and killed us all in some onslaught of hurricanes and tornadoes and floods and drought (the plague?) then I’m sure we deserve it. Forget repenting, there’s no savior for those who fuck up the world.
So I envy Good’s ability to write music about such situations and about his own life. I really wish I could write a song about some aspect of my life..I have no crazy aspirations to be famous or anything like that but even if I could write it and play guitar and sing it to myself, it would make me feel a little better. Although I wonder what I would write about? Maybe I relate to cynical music because I feel that my life is perhaps a cruel joke of some kind. I feel I’m constantly looking for something that may not be real and I never really feel relaxed or happy. (the rest of the world?) Maybe this is due to my attitude, or something I’ve done - I have no idea. I’d like to think I’m trying to make it all work but who knows. If I wrote a song I could sing about anxiety, abusive boyfriends, living in hotels, living in a daze of antidepressants and self medication, more anxiety, dropping out of school, sexuality, emotional numbness, hating family and for good measure I could throw in something about my love for animals and punk rock. hahahah. Makes sense. Unfortunately I do not have the ability to write awesome stuff so maybe some other outlet will come along (or it will just continue to all pile up in my brain).
I have a terrible habit of hating where I am as soon as I’m settled there, I always want to move onto the next thing. (anxiety?) I just have a panic attack and think I’m going nowhere in life so I quickly have to move or change my appearance or go skydiving or something. Half the time I want to sit in my room forever and surf the internet and the other half I wish I could drop everything and move to the corner or some remote country and just forget it all. Occasionally I think my anxiety is so bad that I need some kind of medication for it. I just have little freak outs now and then, no big deal.
So then I just listen to Matt Good and he reminds me that other people with anxiety are living out there too and they’re surviving. Maybe I’m bi-polar, who knows, I’m probably mentally unstable in some way. Is being constantly unhappy a disease? Although I feel most of the world is constantly unhappy.. at least in the developed world. (Which is the most ironic thing ever.) Everything is amazing and nobody is happy.
So speaking of cynical things.. I also love bitter cynical blogs. Like this I think I just like to search out people who are miserable and who hate life just as much as I do. hah. But it’s honestly super entertaining so you should check it out and ignore my babbling.
<3
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